NEWS

Billy Batson met the Wizard Shazam in a train station. Jack Frost and Tom O’Bedlam smoked the blue mold in a train station. Certain things are possible if you make the trains run outside of time.

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I looked at the task in front of me and thought “I don’t want to do this.” Then I remembered I don’t have to want to do it, I only have to do it. Then I continued the task in front of me.

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The reward of being a SubGenius is being a SubGenius. The punishment of not being a SubGenius is not being a SubGenius.

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It’s a popular idea that biological functions precede beliefs. But all cultures have (different) beliefs about compulsory, allowed and forbidden foods. Belief about food has precedent before food, even though food is a biological necessity. We are wired for kooky ideas. That’s why you want to become skilled in all sorts of beliefs, kooky and otherwise. You need to both program and reprogram yourself. You need to JOIN… The Church of the SubGenius.

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It requires a moment to take a good photo. It requires a moment to hook a fish on the line. But it takes a long time to get to that moment. Regularly putting yourself in situations where persistence and skill are required and luck might happen is one way to go about things. Skipping all that effort and going right to the moment, well, it does happen! The Church of the SubGenius is your favorite guide to luck, fast and slow.

The Church of the SubGenius heals ruined members of a crumbling society. The greatest mail-order mind-control cult on the market today at this price range. Send $50 for free information about J. R. “Bob” Dobbs today.

There’s still a little window where some people will hear a song and think it’s not software generated. That window is closing fast. Next comes an increasing, generational refusal to believe / inability to understand that music used to be produced in any other way. Music flattened out to a single surface with seams when it started being recorded. Now the seams are no longer visible and the surface stretches to infinity. JUMP THE QUEUE when you endlessly repeat pre-existing “jokes” from generations ago in The Church of the SubGenius! Enter the blandopticon!

It’s best to surround yourself with people who are actively speaking against what you want to achieve. A distant second best is people who aren’t speaking against it, who are instead speaking for it, but aren’t acting in any way towards what you want to achieve. They aren’t failing, they are instead not trying But if you must, as a last resort, you can surround yourself with people who are trying to do what you want to achieve. I guess, whatever, it’s your life. People who PREFER to be unhappy – mmm-MMM! That’s the stuff!

The gravity well of this planet is an all-hole golf course.

Who knew that the End Times would be so… personalized. Commercial-grade drone covered in fishhooks, adhesives, that sort of thing. It drops out of the sky and hooks on to somebody. A speaker announces unless bitcoin is paid to an account shown on a QR code, the drone will explode. If you try to remove the drone, it will explode. Work-from-home hostage-taking.

The Church of the SubGenius has been telling you to get ready for a pretty tough future since 1980. Laugh all the way to your fully-equipped fallout shelter when “Bob” lets you in on the REAL joke. Just as platonic forms are a more pure version of all of this world, including us, we are a more pure version of another world. It goes in both those directions at least one iteration but maybe more. The risk-versus-reward decisions that must be made when you thin the barriers between worlds are a highly personal set of choices. I cannot advise in this regard. ASK “BOB”.