Category: RANT

Any direction except straight towards despair is, if you keep moving, eventually heading away from despair. KEEP MOVING. START BY WINNING! Make a list of the things you need to do. Put “make a list of the things I need to do” as item one. Check off item one. TAKE A BREAK, don’t over-do it! You’re already at 100% success, remember.

As a good person, people who you like are also good because you would never like a bad person, as a good person. And the people who like you? Good! As a SubGenius, you send money to “Bob” and your every thought and action is excused. Not forgiven (after) but excused (now!). Most people aren’t ready for that level of power.

Today a rival religionist told me that his goal was to make about thirty percent of his congregation mad, that if you aren’t making about a third of them mad then you aren’t doing anything. I said no, the goal is to make ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of your congregation mad, just not mad about the same things.

(Look, there’s a little spark of life over there. That’s nice.) “Yeah but it’ll go out, and it’s not mine, and everybody should have one, so it’s not nice at all, only bad people think it’s nice.” (I’m going to go over there where that little spark is.) “See how bad you are?” DON’T BE LIKE THAT!

Something I read, should have noted where I read it: when you see an avalanche coming toward you, the very few rocks that are going to intersect with the outline of your body are your problem. All the rest of the avalanche, no matter how many tons traveling at what speed, is just noise and dust. You can live a whole lot of your life that way. Which isn’t to say you can just observe the things that go past you, let things happen without getting upset if they don’t involve you. What I mean is if you’re an avalanche, aim RIGHT for that jerk standing there and MAKE AN IMPACT.

If you imagine an indulgence that you should probably not indulge, it’s just as good as indulging – in your imagination. The trick is to imagine that you imagine it, and keep adding layers of imagining that you imagine that you imagine, etc. This adds a near-infinite amount of almost indulging… good enough! Like Zeno’s paradox, you won’t ever quite get there. But you’ll get 99.99(999…) % there. Good enough! Good enough!

Light is not diminished by its own reflection, and neither should you. “The longer you live, the closer you get to your death. Not me though. Heh heh.” – J. R. “Bob” Dobbs. I think he was fibbing when he said that. Or it was some kind of stretch of a joke / lesson that he won’t be close to you at YOUR death.

Through the miracle of BRANDSUBSTANTIATION, the SubGenius enjoins the Saint of Sales, J. R. “Bob” Dobbs in his ability to SELL HIMSELF, TO HIMSELF. An unshakable confidence in the autoproduct shatters records across every franchise, maximum return for zero effort when you JOIN…

The Church of the SubGenius.

Never tell anyone
What you would do
If you were slightly more free.
Just silently do it
And then all those
Who held you back you will see.

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read.” – James Baldwin in “LIFE” magazine (May 1963). When one is suffering, it can seem the world is suffering. Well, let that be true for a bit. If there is net suffering in the world, lessening the suffering of others “counts” as much as lessening one’s own suffering. If you can’t see a way to lessen your own suffering, do something to lessen the suffering of others until some way is more clear to you. Avoid “Savior Behavior” where you lessen the suffering of others for your own aggrandizement (even secretly so). Do it as its own good. FOR “BOB”.

Imagine sharing a delicious meal meal at a friend’s house and, regarding the good food, asking “tell me, what music did your parents listen to?” It’s the wrong question. There are some works of art for which “what does it mean” is the wrong question. Try “what am I going to do with this?”

Some SubGenii ARE like this. And some are just the opposite. Many are a bit of both, mixed. J. R. “Bob” Dobbs sanctions all personality types and behavior patterns. We don’t all “get along,” not even within an individual SubGenius. Who told you that was even possible or desirable? If you are looking for truth and calling it faith, you going to turn over that one rock too many at some point and one or the other will have to go.

The thin line you draw between the thoughts and the actions, the actions and the success, of the people you oppose. They just think a thing and it happens! That line can be thinned down for yourself too. The success of the Bad Guys seems easy because the failures don’t get the same attention. As you fail and fail (and fail) this becomes more clear. They mostly fail too. And then you just think a thing and it happens. Fortunately you’re one of the Good Guys!

“No one should be discouraged, Theaetetus, who can make constant progress, even though it be slow.” – Plato in “The Sophist”

This is the generation of the funniest thing ever.

If you are going to sell humanity to an alien species, DO IT. Don’t hedge, don’t waffle and dilly-dally.

J. R. “Bob” Dobbs will “close the deal” on X-Day (July 5th, 1998). The Church of the SubGenius will be lifted up in glory, and the rest of you, well, it’s not too late to JOIN… The Church of the SubGenius.

Most of the time when I see a SubGenius post about how he or she is FOR or AGAINST a thing, I think about the SubGenius I know who is AGAINST or FOR the same thing. Sometimes they go at it, sometimes each quietly feels (CORRECTLY) that they are the one who is good and just and right.

“Bob” fosters stridency and conflict! If you want a religion where everybody thinks the same and holds hands in peace and friendship, those religions are out there – have at ’em.

“Ha ha ha! This’ll get ’em mad for the next fifteen minutes. I gotta million of ’em!”

Don’t let that old devil trick you into getting worked up about something you saw online. There’s so much better devils, so many other reasons to hate, don’t sell your soul so cheaply.

Anti-SubGenius bigotry by outsiders is intolerable. Only fellow SubGenii are authorized – no, compelled! – to lay into a SubGenius.

If you want to show your hatred for J. R. “Bob” Dobbs and everything he stands for, you must do so from the inside and JOIN… yes JOIN… The Church of the SubGenius.

Do you disagree w/ someone? Ask ‘what evidence would you accept to show your ideas are wrong?’ Respect the answer. If ‘I don’t know,’ find out together. If ‘nothing!’ stop addressing religion w/ reason. Be willing to be wrong as well. Find common ground and be glad for it. Don’t pester people who believe differently, even wrongly, if their beliefs don’t harm anyone. Criticize ideas, not people. Avoid speaking of ‘evil’ or ‘stupid’ or ‘crazy.’ Or: do the opposite of these and see what happens. THE SUBGENIUS WAY.

Best policy is to not take your troubles and woes so seriously. There is an end to suffering. It comes when you JOIN… The Church of the SubGenius. SubGenius influencers (sinfluencers) have been exhibiting a shocking level of what can only be called “mind control” over their own lives. Through a fantastic set of almost magical techniques in ‘Tend Like, the miracle of the Short Duration Personal Savior (or ShirDurPerSav), and a direct “B” line to slack, the SubGenius takes over his or her own mental and emotional autonomy! You can’t buy that kind of social credit. But “Bob” can.

J. R. “Bob” Dobbs sold an all-hole belt that he marketed as always fitting no matter the size of the man who wore it. You did have to hold up your pants with your hand while you wore it, & he’d say “ha ha, sorry friend, looks like you lost your belt, here buy another.” Jealous salesman would say he was just selling nothing, that an all-hole belt doesn’t exist. But there were never any customer complaints. THAT is the sales confidence needed in this Planet of the Clocks!

 

Billy Batson met the Wizard Shazam in a train station. Jack Frost and Tom O’Bedlam smoked the blue mold in a train station. Certain things are possible if you make the trains run outside of time.

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I looked at the task in front of me and thought “I don’t want to do this.” Then I remembered I don’t have to want to do it, I only have to do it. Then I continued the task in front of me.

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The reward of being a SubGenius is being a SubGenius. The punishment of not being a SubGenius is not being a SubGenius.

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It’s a popular idea that biological functions precede beliefs. But all cultures have (different) beliefs about compulsory, allowed and forbidden foods. Belief about food has precedent before food, even though food is a biological necessity. We are wired for kooky ideas. That’s why you want to become skilled in all sorts of beliefs, kooky and otherwise. You need to both program and reprogram yourself. You need to JOIN… The Church of the SubGenius.

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It requires a moment to take a good photo. It requires a moment to hook a fish on the line. But it takes a long time to get to that moment. Regularly putting yourself in situations where persistence and skill are required and luck might happen is one way to go about things. Skipping all that effort and going right to the moment, well, it does happen! The Church of the SubGenius is your favorite guide to luck, fast and slow.

The Church of the SubGenius heals ruined members of a crumbling society. The greatest mail-order mind-control cult on the market today at this price range. Send $50 for free information about J. R. “Bob” Dobbs today.

There’s still a little window where some people will hear a song and think it’s not software generated. That window is closing fast. Next comes an increasing, generational refusal to believe / inability to understand that music used to be produced in any other way. Music flattened out to a single surface with seams when it started being recorded. Now the seams are no longer visible and the surface stretches to infinity. JUMP THE QUEUE when you endlessly repeat pre-existing “jokes” from generations ago in The Church of the SubGenius! Enter the blandopticon!

It’s best to surround yourself with people who are actively speaking against what you want to achieve. A distant second best is people who aren’t speaking against it, who are instead speaking for it, but aren’t acting in any way towards what you want to achieve. They aren’t failing, they are instead not trying But if you must, as a last resort, you can surround yourself with people who are trying to do what you want to achieve. I guess, whatever, it’s your life. People who PREFER to be unhappy – mmm-MMM! That’s the stuff!

The gravity well of this planet is an all-hole golf course.

Who knew that the End Times would be so… personalized. Commercial-grade drone covered in fishhooks, adhesives, that sort of thing. It drops out of the sky and hooks on to somebody. A speaker announces unless bitcoin is paid to an account shown on a QR code, the drone will explode. If you try to remove the drone, it will explode. Work-from-home hostage-taking.

The Church of the SubGenius has been telling you to get ready for a pretty tough future since 1980. Laugh all the way to your fully-equipped fallout shelter when “Bob” lets you in on the REAL joke. Just as platonic forms are a more pure version of all of this world, including us, we are a more pure version of another world. It goes in both those directions at least one iteration but maybe more. The risk-versus-reward decisions that must be made when you thin the barriers between worlds are a highly personal set of choices. I cannot advise in this regard. ASK “BOB”.